Can't Let You Fall Apart
by WildYennifer
Summary: Alternative version of the events after 3x11. Stefan carries out his threat and now Elena is going to become a vampire. Does it mean Klaus is going to leave them alone now? Where does that leave her and Damon? How does she really feel about it?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: As usual, this story wasn't planned - especially I wasn't planning a multi-chaptered one. The idea just came to me, and I grew to like it quite a lot. It's surely going to have some plot, hopefully exciting enough, but I would also like to show the character's emotions. Hopefully I did them justice :)

**Disclaimer**: Of course I don't own TVD. I wouldn't give people heart attacks during episodes if I did :D But that's one of the reasons it's so awesome, I guess.

_**Special thanks**_ to CreepingMuse, my awesome beta reader. You do such a great job correcting my mistakes and giving me interesting suggestions.

Thank you, Nymphadora, for advising me to find a beta reader - it turned out a great and useful experience.

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><p>Holding my last breath<p>

Safe inside myself

Are all my thoughts of you

Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight

Evanescence "My Last Breath"

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><p>Damon was driving faster than he ever had.<p>

Stefan's voice earlier over the phone had only confirmed his threats. His brother wasn't going to stop, he was ready to go to any lengths to find Klaus's weakness. Damon didn't like how he felt: frightened, terrified. Stefan had Elena,_ his_ Elena, and this time around the elder Salvatore couldn't even come close to trusting him.

He'd jumped into the car once he'd overheard Stefan say "Wickery Bridge" in his conversation with Klaus. Now the voice of reason was telling him that his brother had probably carried out his threat, but it wasn't what mattered. He had to get Elena back – he needed her in his arms, safe and unharmed, so they both could forget about what might have been.

He pulled over and ran towards the bridge, looking around frantically, failing to find brother's car, Stefan himself or, most importantly, Elena. _Late_, _late_ – his inner voice was making him desperate, so Damon switched it off. He would have time to be desperate later. Now there was still hope.

Movement in the water caught his eye. Before Damon could react, rushing to the edge of the bridge, Stefan jumped out of the water and landed on the asphalt, holding Elena in his arms. _Thank God, she's here_ – she was the only person that had ever made him pray. That was until he realized that the sounds that had always possessed this magical power to soothe him weren't there any longer.

Her breathing and her heartbeat.

No, no, it wasn't happening. This lifeless body in Stefan's arms couldn't be Elena. _I promised I would never leave her again. I failed to save her when she needed me most. I failed to stop my own brother. I failed Elena._

"You!" The next moment Damon was standing next to Stefan, eyes dark because that was the only way to blink back the tears, grayish veins pulsating under the skin. "You killed her!"

"She's not dead," said Stefan, and Damon was so amazed that his face became human again. "Well, technically she is, but she'll come back."

Damon wasn't even able to answer. Relief, hatred, guilt, confusion – each emotion was so overwhelming they were tearing at him, causing him almost physical pain. Of course, Stefan'd fed Elena his blood before killing them both. It was extremely hard to grasp the fact that in several hours Elena would become a vampire. If he could imagine how her angelic face would transform in the moment of animalistic hunger, it was only because he'd seen Katherine's.

Damon opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come out. Stefan put his revenge before Elena's life – at least, human life, and he couldn't even begin to formulate everything he wanted to tell Stefan.

"Don't start some pathetic speech about how I took the choice away from her. You don't get to blame me for something you did, too."

"I was trying to save her life!" shouted Damon.

"Yeah, _once_. When you blackmailed me by feeding her your blood it was temporary insanity?" answered Stefan, looking eerily calm. "Now she won't be Klaus's blood bag anymore – this is what I call safe."

Damon was already sick of this discussion. He could tell his brother so many things – about the hybrid's vindictiveness, about the people Elena cared about and who were now endangered, about how he'd ruined her chance to lead a happy human life – but he knew there was no reasoning with Stefan now. Instead, Damon yanked Elena's body from his arms.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked Stefan.

"I'm taking her home," said Damon firmly, looking at his brother with disgust. On a theoretical level, he could understand Stefan's motives. But when it came to Elena, theory didn't apply – at least, not for Damon. Turning away from Stefan, he pressed Elena closer, looking at her as if for the first time. He'd never seen her more vulnerable… or more peaceful. The injuries from the crash were all over her skin. Her face, where untouched by bruises and cuts, was unhealthily pale, her hair was a tangled wet mess, those lips that fitted so perfectly with his own were lifeless now that they didn't let any air in or out. Fear made Damon's own breathing so hard that he was grateful he didn't actually need it. _What if the blood won't be enough? What if she's gone?_ This fear wouldn't just disappear, no matter how hard he tried to switch it off.

Damon strode to the car, purposefully abandoning Stefan. He wanted his brother to come to his senses, to realize what he'd done to Elena. So far the younger Salvatore looked as if nothing had happened – and that was what scared Damon most. Stefan had never gone this far. Damon hated him so much at the moment, but he wasn't ready to lose him. He owed Stefan at least an attempt to break through the wall his brother'd built around himself and reach his disguised humanity. So Damon decided to make Stefan see this. _I'm leaving with your girlfriend. I don't give a damn for your opinion or your feelings. Come on, stop me. Yell, scream, fight. I need you back, and one day she'll forgive you – and she'll want you back, too. _That could be the only way to make Stefan feel.

His eyes on Elena's face, Damon barely noticed another figure appearing before him. He stopped in his tracks and cast up his eyes to find Klaus. The original vampire was assessing the situation – and standing close as he was, Damon could see Klaus didn't like what he found.

"So Stefan did it."

Damon looked over his shoulder – but his brother was gone.

"Yes, he did," answered Damon, looking at Klaus again. "You wanna drive a stake through his heart? Be my guest." He cringed involuntarily at his words, but he wasn't going to take it back. First his bastard of a brother killed Elena and then he just fled? _Screw you._

Klaus looked at Elena, and in his eyes Damon detected something very similar to pity.

"I wouldn't want to keep you from catching Stefan," said Damon, looking Klaus in the eye.

"Unfortunately, at the moment I have a more urgent business than catching your brother." The Original was still standing and looking at Damon.

"Really? And what would that be?"

"I need Elena," answered Klaus in an even voice.

"What?" Damon looked at the other vampire incredulously. "She's dead, she's transitioning, her blood is useless. Why could you possibly need her?"

"You are right, my friend. She's dead. She's not a vampire yet. So it is possible that she still has valuable doppelgänger blood."

"You're not getting it!" shouted Damon. His eyes were wild with rage and fear. The day he'd started loving Elena was the day he'd learned to be afraid. He knew very well he couldn't really fight Klaus, but Damon never gave up.

"I'm not going to kill you, Salvatore" said Klaus softly. "You may be useful later. And I know," he looked at Elena's body in Damon's arms, "that you didn't want it to happen, either. So I'm really sorry about it"

In a swift motion Klaus appeared behind Damon. The last thing Damon felt before everything went black was a terrible pain as the Original snapped his neck.

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><p>Thanks a lot for reading! If you'd like to praise, criticize, make a comment or give a suggestion - please, leave me a review ;) Reviews are inspiration!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**:_ I planned to update this story next weekend, but the number of story alerts and the fact that I haven't written a special Valentine's Day fic make me do it today. I hope it's a nice present for you all and you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)_

**CreepingMuse**_, thank you again for the invaluable suggestions, corrections and of course, for beta reading this chapter so quickly. Guys, if it weren't for my awesome beta reader, the chapter wouldn't have been posted today. Now mentally send her love ;)_

_My gratitude also goes to: a) the reviewers, especially the anonymous ones, because I couldn't send them a private message; b) those who subscribed and favorited - you amazed me a lot!_

_Last but not least - Happy Valentine's Day! May your dreams of love come true ;)_

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><p>You don't even know what you've done to me,<p>

But I will be the one to take you away

From all this wasted pain,

If you could just wake up.

~ Evanescence "Disappear" ~

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><p>Bonnie's phone rang. It was past midnight, and she wasn't thrilled to be awoken. When she saw who was calling, she was even less thrilled. Damon Salvatore was on the list of people Bonnie didn't want to hear from right now. Actually, his name was number one on the list of people she didn't want to hear from <em>ever<em>.

Still sleepy, Bonnie considered ignoring him, but in a moment she dismissed the thought. She wasn't his favorite person either, and if Damon called her in the middle of the night, it was probably urgent. She felt around for her phone and pressed the answer button.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"What the hell took you so long? Look…"

Bonnie interrupted him, "Salvatore, I know the concept must be new for you, but some people actually sleep at night."

"I need your help."

"Wh-"

Damon didn't let her say another word, interrupting her in a harsh, barely controlled voice.

"It's about Elena. She died with Stefan's blood in her system, now Klaus has got her and I have no freaking idea of where she is or what he's gonna do with her. Is that important enough?"

Bonnie's eyes widened with terror. It was impossible. Elena was dead or (worse?) turning into a vampire, and she was held captive by the strongest evil hybrid on the face of the earth. Bonnie recalled how difficult it'd been when Caroline had become a vampire – hatred for vampires was so inherent in the Bennetts that it took a lot out of Bonnie to erase it when it came to the blonde.

But it was Elena. Her best friend, her sister, the person who'd been there for her all along, the friend she would never want to leave her.

"I'm on my way," she said.

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><p>Damon hung up and started pacing. He grabbed a glass from the table and came up to his stock of liquor, wanting momentary relief from the alcohol. Nothing could truly ease the pain of losing her, but it might help him forget for a minute. Then he put the glass next to the bottles and decided against drinking. He wasn't going to give up. Klaus' "I'm really sorry" stirred up hope that there would be a chance to rescue Elena, and Damon was going to need a sober mind.<p>

He still felt a little weak, and it bothered him. Normally injuries, no matter how bad, healed without consequences, but now it was as if he'd been vervained. But he'd had his neck snapped before, and his state wasn't a priority right now anyway.

When the front door opened and the vampire heard the sound of footsteps, he didn't need to turn around to tell it wasn't Bonnie.

"Getting bold?" he asked, and his voice sounded tense, although he'd intended to sound careless, as usual. Deep down, he was relieved, but rage was overpowering all the other emotions.

He finally turned around and faced Stefan, giving him a glare. No matter how terrifying a veined face, fangs designed to tear flesh, and dark-red eyes full of bloodlust looked, Damon knew that there was nothing more frightening about him than the icy blue of his human eyes when he was angry.

"Look, I'm here to help. I know what I did was wrong…" started Stefan, and Damon already felt his control slipping. In a moment he was standing next to his brother, shouting in his face.

"Wrong? You think 'wrong' covers that? You son of a bitch, you destroyed her life! And like that wasn't enough, you ran away, you just fucking left me to deal with Klaus with a dead girl in my arms!"

When Damon ran out of air, Stefan tried to appease him.

"I wanted to distract Klaus. I hadn't expected him to appear there, and I thought he'd run after me!"

"Well, you thought wrong," said Damon, a little calmer. _How do I treat my brother if he risked his life for me more than I can remember, but ruined the life of the woman I love, the one I trusted him with? _

Damon heard a car pull up and assuming it was Bonnie, he took a step back, saying, "We aren't done yet."

Bonnie flung the door open and slammed it once she'd entered the parlor. Her burning dark eyes scanned the room, stopping at Stefan. He raised his hands, surrendering.

"I know. Trust me, I know. Let's save Elena first and then you can give me a lifetime of aneurisms," he said.

"Sounds like a plan to me," commented Damon. He had to do something immediately, and it wasn't just for Elena's sake; it was for Stefan's, too. Damon knew himself, and he knew that in his current state he was prone to violence that he would probably regret later. "Business now, feelings later."

"First of all we have to find Elena," said Stefan, and Damon bit back a snarky comment about his brother's wisdom.

"I can do a locator spell," suggested Bonnie, "but I need her blood, or the blood of her-"

"Jeremy's blood, to be more exact. Let's go rough up baby Gilbert?" said Damon. "Okay, I know, I've compelled him and supernatural problems are the last thing he needs now. We have Elena's blood here, right, Stefan?"

Damon pointed at their jackets, smeared a little with dark red right where they'd pressed Elena to their chests. Stefan rushed upstairs to get a map.

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><p>"The hospital?" asked Damon in disbelief, staring at the map of Mystic Falls.<p>

"It's smart. It's not like Klaus wouldn't compel the whole staff to do his dirty work," said Stefan. He stuffed blood bags from the fridge into his pockets so Elena could complete her transition.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go." Damon urged, but Bonnie stopped him.

"Before we go, I need you to promise that you'll follow my every order. Since Klaus needed her human blood, and Elena would have already started transitioning, she is probably going to be under a spell of some sort, and if you so much as stand in the wrong place at the wrong moment, the consequences may be dire. Got the picture?"

"Yeah," said Damon. "Loud and clear. Now let's go."

It took them less than ten minutes to get to the local hospital. Stefan and Damon would have searched it at the vampire speed if it weren't for Bonnie. She was the one walking first, ready to prevent either Salvatore from doing something reckless. Damon was shocked that the compelled hospital staff didn't do a thing to prevent them from breaking in. _Given the amount of bad luck in our lives, we can never take anything good for granted,_ he thought grimly. Suddenly, he stopped.

"She's in there," whispered Damon, smelling the familiar scent of blood. He was about to rush into the room, when Bonnie intervened.

"Stop!"

It was Bonnie's serious voice, and Damon froze in his tracks, as much as he wanted to run to Elena's side, grab her and get the hell out of there. Stefan put his hand on Damon's shoulder, cautious. Damon shook it off, glaring at his brother, but he had more important things than fighting with Stefan on his mind.

"What's the problem, Bonnie?"

"Stay away from Elena," answered the witch, her voice harsh.

Damon stared at her.

"Now, in the middle of our Save Elena operation you're going to bring up your witches-don't-trust-vampires prejudice?"

Bonnie ignored him and walked into the ward on her own. She raised her hands and did what looked to Damon like just a weird movement above Elena's body. His heart was breaking at the sight: Elena was completely drained of blood, her face was white with a bluish tinge, and she was wearing a light gown that left her arms bare and covered only a small part of her legs, revealing her injuries. Damon clenched his fists, forcing himself to stay where he was.

"There's a spell on Elena," said Bonnie finally. "It was keeping her body intact, exactly in the state she was once they'd started draining her. It makes sense, because Klaus needed her human blood. He had to slow down her transitioning. It's a good thing, actually. It means Elena's technically dead only for several minutes. We have a chance to bring her back. As a vampire, of course." Bonnie looked at Damon, then at Stefan.

"So what are we waiting for?" asked Damon impatiently.

"So you need to stay away until I figure out the spell." Bonnie didn't bother to hide her annoyance. Damon couldn't really blame her. After all, her best friend was about to become a vampire, and on the rescue mission she was accompanied by her two least favorite people (if he even thought they were people).

Now Bonnie didn't appear to be doing anything special, but after staring at Elena for a while, she smiled at the brothers.

"I think I know the spell."

"Well?" Damon demanded.

"Before we think of lifting it, we have to give her both vampire blood and human blood."

"What? Why?" asked Stefan. Bonnie glared at him, but explained.

"We don't know if there's still vampire blood in her system. She died with it, but to be on the safe side, she may need a little. And when we lift the spell, the time that she'll have spent bound by magic will catch up with her. We don't want her too hungry, right?"

Damon sighed and nodded. It made sense.

Bonnie pulled a small cup she used for mixing herbs out of her pocket.

"Who's gonna donate vampire blood?" she asked.

Stefan was about to offer, but Damon's hand grasped his forearm. The younger Salvatore sighed and stepped back. Bonnie came up to Damon as he bit his palm, filling the cup until the witch said it was enough. Stefan handed Bonnie one of the blood bags he'd brought from the boarding house, and she came up to Elena once again. Damon knew that he couldn't even begin to understand how hard it was for Bonnie to turn Elena into a vampire on her own, but that was what needed to be done.

Bonnie put her hand on Elena's chin and pressed lightly. Elena's mouth opened and the witch carefully poured the blood from the cup between her parted lips. Damon's face twitched with sympathy as Bonnie repeated the operation with the blood bag. Bennett looked so miserable that even he felt the urge to comfort her.

"So, how do we lift the spell?" he asked once Bonnie was through.

"Why do you think Klaus didn't remove it? The spell can be undone only by a very specific person."

"Who?" Damon felt he was going to snap if she didn't tell him very soon.

"The person she cares about most."

Damon needed several seconds to process the information. He pressed his lips together and took a deep breath.

"So we need Jeremy, I guess?" asked Stefan.

"This person doesn't have to be a human. It's not humanity that makes the spell work," answered Bonnie. "Actually, that's why I didn't let you in before. If the spell had been lifted, she could have died for good. Now once this person touches her, the spell will be broken. Is anyone going to try?" she asked.

"You think that after what he did to Elena, Stefan can still qualify as that person?" Damon tried to put as much biting sarcasm in his words as possible.

"He could try," said Bonnie. "You both could."

Stefan was already in the ward, holding Elena's hand, and Damon cringed at the sight. He was still far from forgiving his brother. He was terrified, but also a little relieved when Elena didn't react to Stefan's touch. He shook her hand a little, but Elena remained unmoving, lifeless.

"Try, Damon."

He stared at Bonnie, incredulous that she would encourage him to go in. Damon slowly made his way into the ward, came up to Elena and caressed her cheek. He didn't believe that anything would happen, that _he _was the person she cared about most, but he had to try anyway.

If it weren't for Bonnie's yelp, Damon wouldn't have noticed Elena's body was changing. The cuts and bruises gradually disappeared, the minimum of human blood Bonnie had poured into her brought a little color to her skin, and in a minute her heart started beating – impossibly slowly for a human, the slowest normal for a vampire.

"Damon," she whispered, barely opening her eyes.

He didn't think he had ever experienced this much happiness. Elena was alive, in a way, she was with him, and – he still couldn't believe it – she responded to _his_ touch. He wasn't going to push her now, or even to bring up the subject, but the spell couldn't have lied – Damon was the one she cared about most. He caressed her hair and kissed her forehead, blinking back unwelcome happy tears.

"I'm here, Elena. I'm here. I'll take you home."

With the woman he loved pressed tightly against his chest, Damon strode out of the ward.

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><p><strong><em>AN_: Thanks for reading! Please, let me know what you think - every opinion counts ;) **

**_Note_: TVD doesn't dwell much on vampire anatomy and the way their organisms work. The most common idea is that their hearts don't beat, but this is how I take Damon's words that vampires' bodies function like human as long as they have blood in their system. I hope it helped if you were confused about this moment :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay, I'm back. Sorry for the delay! First I had to fight some terrible case of writer's block, and when I finally got through, the Internet decided that my story wasn't ready to meet its beta yet :D Thanks a lot for the reviews, subscribing and favoriting - that makes me incredibly happy! Some things in this chapter were difficult for me to write, so I'm anxious to read your reviews - do me a favor and leave one, okay? ;) If you get bored reading A/N's, feel free to ignore mine in future - I just normally love reading them in other people's fics, so I get talkative in mine.**

_**Special thanks**_: everyone who follows the story must already know my beta reader is **CreepingMuse**, who's always there for me to edit a chapter at the vampire speed ;) , give me suggestions or comment on the paragraphs. You're awesome and you know it ;)

_**Special thanks 2**_: to **Karolina94** for a valuable reminder.

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><p>My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold<p>

Until you find it there and lead it back –

Home.

Evanescence, "Bring Me To Life"

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><p>The black void wouldn't let go, but Elena knew she had to fight it. It was like she was sleeping and couldn't wake up, however hard she tried. She couldn't lift her eyelids, too heavy, couldn't even scream for help. Then something sweet trickled down her throat, and Elena found the strength to swallow. That was when the darkness finally released her.<p>

The first sense that returned was smell. Elena inhaled deeply and a sweet fragrance intoxicated her, making her gums hurt. She welcomed the pain, because it was something to hold on to, something that prevented her from slipping back into the blackness. Elena took a sniff again and there was another, more familiar scent, the one that always meant love and safety. It enveloped her, and without thinking she shifted closer. Her hearing returned, and it was strange to hear her own heartbeat and breathing – very slow, but still reassuring. Elena could hear birds singing outside, flame crackling in the fireplace, the quiet hum of the stand lamp – but none of those mattered. All she needed was the sound of another heart beating next to hers.

"Damon," she murmured.

"Here." Of course. Always. "How are you feeling?"

Elena finally opened her eyes to meet his gaze. The one that she'd never seen him direct at anyone but her.

"Different. There's this feeling, like it's not me anymore. It's scary, it's confusing, but it's… exhilarating in a way."

"That's what it's like to be a vampire," said Damon. His words made it real – she was a vampire, it wasn't a nightmare, it wasn't something that could be undone. It was her reality now. Elena Gilbert, the sweet caring girl she used to be, was gone. It was too much to take in; she wasn't ready to deal with it now, and she tried to force the thought out of her head.

But her mind wouldn't listen, the thought running in circles in her mind. She winced, and then Damon caressed her shoulder, never averting his gaze. His touch distracted her, thankfully, and she moved her head closer to his neck, almost touching.

"Your senses are heightened, you want to do a hundred things at once, and if one desire is more powerful than the rest, it's next to impossible to restrain. You can't control it," he went on. "But you will be able to. Soon. You're gonna be okay, I promise," he added all of a sudden. "I won't leave you."

"I know you won't," she said, smiling at him. "But we both know I'm not gonna be okay." Elena saw hurt and guilt in his eyes, and instantly regretted being so blunt. But she couldn't help it. So she jumped to the next question. "How did it all happen? How did I end up here?"

"I'll tell you, but first you need to feed and rest."

He shouldn't have mentioned feeding. Now Elena understood that the sweet fragrance making her gums hurt was the smell of blood, and that Damon had given her blood while she was asleep… or unconscious? This time her gums hurt even more, before finally giving way to sharp fangs. Elena sat up abruptly and felt veins appearing around her eyes, moving under the skin – the feeling was unpleasant and unfamiliar, but she didn't care anymore. She was reduced to a single need, and it was hunger. Damon jumped to his feet, grabbed a blood bag from the cabinet and tossed it to her; and she tore into it, relishing the energy and saturation filling her with every gulp.

When she was done, Elena suddenly realized what had happened. For the first time, she had lost control over herself, turning into a beast, a monster. If she hadn't come around guarded by Damon, she could've destroyed some innocent person the same way she had just destroyed the blood bag.

Sitting down on the bed next to her, Damon touched her face, and Elena felt it become human under his fingers. She tried unsuccessfully to blink back the tears forming in her eyes, but Damon embraced her wordlessly and let her give vent to her emotions in his arms.

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><p>Stefan didn't follow Damon to the boarding house – he didn't need to be reminded how awful his actions were. No one could despise him more than himself – not his brother, not even Elena. Self-loathing was a skill he had mastered perfectly, and he believed it was more than enough to punish himself for every wrong he couldn't fix.<p>

He realized he had nowhere to go. So much for all the time he had spent gaining the trust of the people of Mystic Falls – he should have known sooner or later he would do something to ruin it. He wanted to explain himself at least to Bonnie. He desperately needed someone to understand him.

"Bonnie, I-"

"Stefan, just… go, please. That was one of the worst moments of my life, and it was your fault. Are you sure you wanna mess with me right now?"

"Please. I know it was wrong to take the choice away from her, but now at least she'll be safe – Klaus won't kill her."

"Really? And you decided to do it on your own so that her death would be what? More pleasant? More surprising? Or you found some twisted romance in the fact that she died at your hands?"

"It's not like that. I know what I took away from her, believe me, I do. But I gave her a different life. And it wasn't her fault, so Klaus will probably hunt _me_ down, and leave her alone. Perhaps in the long run she'll understand that it was for the best."

Bonnie eyed him in disbelief.

"Stefan, do you have any idea how unbearably selfish you are? You killed my best friend, you turned her into a monster against her will, you put me through the worst experience imaginable, and you're giving me excuses? You want _me_ to understand you after what you've done, because it will make _you_ feel better? You saved her life? You got your revenge." she shook her head. "Grams and I trusted you with this town. Damon trusted you with Elena's life. You ruined both. You don't get forgiveness anymore"

The vampire wanted to say something, but all the words were gone when he realized she was right. Bonnie's big eyes were watching him, full of pain and contempt – and it was his fault. It wasn't human blood, or compulsion, or the legendary nonexistent switch – he had made a decision and now he was going to deal with the consequences. It was probably the first time he had to do that.

Stefan turned away and rushed into the night, running away from Bonnie's hurt gaze, but powerless to escape from himself.

* * *

><p>"Why did he do it, Damon?" asked Elena through her tears, and it hurt him to be so helpless. He had promised to never leave her, and the moment he had, his brother had used the situation to his full advantage. Damon felt guilty for what had happened to Elena, but he knew his guilt wouldn't help her – nor would revenge or anger. The only thing he could do was be there for her.<p>

"He thought it would be safer for you to be less fragile," answered Damon, pulling back and looking her in the eye. "Trust me, we can get through this."

"Get through this? Didn't you see me a minute ago? I'm a monster."

"Elena-"

"Elena died, Damon! This," she pressed her hand to her cheek, wiping the angry tears away, "is not me. I don't wanna be like this. At the end of the day, vampires are all monsters. Klaus, the other Originals, Katherine, Stefan, you – you've all done so much evil that I don't think it's even possible to make amends. I don't want to be a part of this."

Damon knew that she had to say it all, she had to share her agony and despair, but he didn't know how much more he could take. _I've always thought I would be more than happy to take anything from you – pain, grief, suffering, as long as you were willing to share them. Why does it hurt so much when you call me a monster, if I've always called myself the same thing? Why do my actions seem a hundred times worse when you say them?_

"Look at me." He grabbed her shoulders and met her angry gaze. For a moment Damon thought she must have been right – she wasn't the Elena Gilbert he used to know. She looked so broken, and something was missing in her eyes – he knew exactly what it was. The spark of vitality that she had had even at the darkest moments was gone, and Damon thought he would never forgive Stefan if it was gone forever. "Elena, you're not gonna be a monster. I won't let you."

She shook her head.

"I already am."

"You'll be a monster if you stop caring. If you don't let yourself feel anymore. What I see now is exactly the opposite. You're so hurt because you feel. Right?"

Elena looked at him, doubtful.

"I have some experience here," Damon continued. "Think of Jeremy, Bonnie, Caroline, Matt, Ric… Damn it, think of _me_ and tell me you don't care."

"Of course, I do," she whispered, and he smiled – it was a simple, genuine smile which he so rarely used. Elena reached out and touched his face, her fingers brushed against his cheek, his jaw, and rested on his neck. It took nearly all Damon's restraint to stay still. In a moment she jerked her hand away and dropped her gaze.

"Even if I care, I am what I am. Don't try to convince me otherwise. Don't lie."

The bitterness in her voice made Damon wince. He knew she was going to need time, a lot of time, before accepting the new reality.

"I never lied to you, Elena. It's not gonna be easy. But I need you to have as much faith in yourself as you have in me."

"But what about Stefan?" she asked.

Damon pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. Of course, Stefan would come up. He couldn't understand how Elena still cared about what would happen to his brother after what Stefan had done.

"What about him?" he answered with a question.

"I loved him, Damon. And I wanted to love him. It was… safe."

Damon couldn't but snort. _Yes, of course, my little bro is the epitome of safety._

"And now… I don't know what to do," she said.

"He's not the most important person in your life," stated Damon, and he couldn't care less if he sounded too bold or too insightful.

Elena was quiet for a while.

"No, he's not," she admitted. "And I know I should hate him. God, I want to hate him…but I can't. I'm confused; one moment I want to rip his heart out of his chest, and the next moment I just want him far away, and then it just hurts, and… I don't know what to do."

"You'll figure it out," Damon told her. "You just need time."

As much as he wanted to take Elena in his arms again, to tell her about Klaus, about the spell, about how she cared about _him_ more than he could have hoped, he had to keep her physical and emotional state in mind.

"You need to rest," he said, and Elena obeyed, lying down on the bed and wrapping herself in a comforter, not because she was cold, but just because it was cozy.

"Don't leave," she whispered. _As if you had to ask._

"Never," he bent over her and kissed her forehead. She looked at him with wide eyes, a new spark lighting them, and Damon couldn't really understand it. Her broken soul seemed a little healed – certainly it wasn't because of such a simple gesture?

"You… You didn't-" she stopped abruptly, smiling and closing her eyes.

"What?" asked Damon, slightly worried.

"Ask me when I wake up," the smile was still there, and Damon felt relieved.

"You know that you're not a monster at all, right?"

Elena sighed and shook her head slightly.

"Ask me when I wake up," she repeated before drifting off.

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><p><strong><em>Anyone wants to make me a little happier and leave me a review? ;)<em>**


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Here comes chapter 4. I'm trying to upload this story once a week and it works so far. Thanks everyone for subscriptions and favorites! Reviews are always welcome and anticipated. ;)**_

_Special thanks_**: **_to_ **CreepingMuse** _who beta read this story so fast and saved me from a number of downright ridiculous language and factual mistakes._

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><p>"I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems.<p>

Got to open my eyes to everything."

Evanescence, "Bring Me To Life"

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><p>It was already afternoon, and even though Damon would never admit it, he was tired. The weakness he had felt before was long gone, though somehow he couldn't remember when it had happened. Now he was afraid of falling asleep and missing the moment when Elena opened her eyes, so he stayed by her side, watching her sleep. He only left her a few times that morning – to drink blood. Blood was the only thing that could help him stay up after such an exhausting night.<p>

When he heard a car pull up and then light footsteps approaching the front door, he went downstairs to meet the visitor. Damon wasn't surprised to find Bonnie in the parlor. As much as she hated the very existence of vampires, he was almost sure she would be less prejudiced when it came to her best friend.

"Hi," Damon paused so as not to call the girl one of the numerous nicknames he had for her. "…Bonnie."

The witch smiled hesitantly instead of a greeting, but the smile didn't touch her eyes. Damon saw she was wary, as if Elena would jump at her from some hidden corner at any moment. He couldn't blame her, and after what she had done the night before, Damon's dislike for her had dissipated. Bonnie wasn't on the list of his favorite people, but he was incredibly grateful to her. She must have broken a dozen witch rules turning Elena into a vampire.

"Thank you," he said, and his words sounded sincere. He had never been good at demonstrating his true emotions – at least, people had always been far more inclined to believe Stefan – but this time it seemed to work. Bonnie smiled again, now genuinely.

"How's Elena?" she asked.

"She's asleep," answered Damon. "Look, I know you have… issues against vampires, it's in your nature and it's difficult for you to fight it, but please… be kind to Elena. You know she didn't want it, either."

He shook his head a little as he heard the pleading note in his voice._ Damn it, I'm begging. I'm begging a witch to be kind. The things I do for you, Elena._

"I know, Damon," said Bonnie, and if the vampire didn't know better, he would have thought she wanted to comfort him. "Actually, I brought her this."

She pulled a circular object out of her pocket and Damon looked at it with confusion before he noticed two round pieces of lapis lazuli on it. Only then did he actually understand what it was.

"A daylight anklet?" he stared at Bonnie in disbelief. "What happened to traditional jewelry?"

"I thought it over, and I figured it would be easier to hide than a ring or a necklace. She'll be safer this way."

Damon couldn't argue with that logic.

"Tell her I stopped by," asked Bonnie.

"No, wait a bit." Damon listened to the sounds from upstairs. "She's waking up. I'll go get her something to… eat, and she'll be ready to see you."

Of course, he noticed how Bonnie cringed when he mentioned feeding – she knew very well what it meant. Damon wasn't completely certain that the girl would stay now: staying would mean true acceptance.

"I'll be here. Call me when she's ready."

Damon sighed in relief – if Bonnie remained supportive, it would be far easier for Elena to cope.

Without answering, Damon handed the anklet back to Bonnie and hurried upstairs – just in time to see Elena open her eyes and smile at him.

"Hi, sleepyhead," he whispered, squeezing her hand tenderly.

"You left," accused Elena, frowning. She seemed to concentrate. "There's a human downstairs. I hear the heartbeat."

Damon couldn't but smile at how curious she looked, surprised at her own hearing. In his day, this enhanced ability had helped him hunt, and he had become a perfect predator. Elena wouldn't need to be one, Damon promised himself again.

"Bonnie came over to see you. Let's get you a little blood and you can see her."

When he mentioned blood, Elena's face changed, like he had expected: eyes darkened, veins showed. Damon raised his hands and touched her face, tracing the gray lines – they disappeared in a moment and Elena stared at him in amazement.

"How do you do that?" she asked.

"Do what?"

"Make me feel human again with one touch." Elena looked him in the eye, and Damon felt almost compelled by her warm chocolate eyes.

"I don't know," he answered honestly. Of course, he had some ideas: it could be connected with the spell, or just with the very fact that she cared about him – he still couldn't help smiling thinking of it – but he wasn't going to tell her. For the first time ever, he trusted the witch to tell Elena the whole story.

"I'll go talk to Bonnie," said Elena. "I'm not hungry. Really, what I drank this morning was enough. I could take a quick shower first, though."

"Sure."

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><p>Bonnie's resolve was weakening with every moment. In theory, she knew that Elena could control her bloodlust, that Damon would never allow her to do something she'd regret. Although vampires were inherently evil, they made their choices and could be better, if their grip on humanity was strong enough to overpower their inner monster every day. The only thing that mattered was whether they had an incentive strong enough to help them get by.<p>

"She's ready," said Damon, appearing in front of Bonnie. She wasn't even surprised. Having spent so much time around vampires, she was already used to their speed.

"Thanks for taking care of her, Damon." Bonnie hesitated for a moment. It was weird to speak of her feelings with Damon Salvatore of all people. "I trust you with Elena. You might be the only person I trust with her."

"I know," he said softly. Then he left to the basement – to give them some privacy, Bonnie figured. As much privacy as a vampire with enhanced hearing could offer, anyway.

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><p>When Damon left to call Bonnie, Elena lay down and wrapped a blanket around her legs – she had no other option, anyway. She could hear Bonnie's heartbeat as her friend walked upstairs. The sound was appealing to the monster lurking within her. It was hard to put up with the fact that from now on she would have to suppress that creature all the time.<p>

"Elena?" Bonnie entered the room cautiously. She was smiling, but the smile wasn't real. She was a little afraid.

"Bonnie!"

Once Elena saw her friend's face, it was far easier to fight the hunger. Now it wasn't some distant heartbeat, it was Bonnie. Her sister, best friend, a person who would never let her down. Nothing would make Elena turn on her. Bonnie's face also lit up as she hurried to hug Elena.

"Are you okay?" asked the witch.

"Do I look okay?"

Bonnie scrutinized Elena's face and raised her eyebrows.

"You know, you do. If I couldn't sense your nature, I would think you're still human. You look absolutely the same. Well, apart from your… clothes."

Elena flushed a little as she looked at Damon's shirt that was the only garment she was wearing apart from underwear.

"Well, my choice was pretty limited. I had to choose from a black shirt, a black shirt and something else, let me think. Right, a black shirt."

Bonnie laughed. Elena studied her expression with curiosity, listening to her heart at the same time. It wasn't racing – in fact, Bonnie's heart was very calm and relaxed. She was handling the situation much better than Elena had expected.

"I'm okay, really," she said, not knowing whether she was trying to convince Bonnie or herself. "Damon's helping me through it. He's-" Elena faltered. She knew that Bonnie wasn't fond of him.

"I know. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Damon."

Elena looked at Bonnie, surprised. Her heart was calm, her voice was even, Elena couldn't detect a single trace of the usual hatred.

"What about him?"

"Has he told you what happened after you died?"

Elena shuddered. Of course, she knew she had died, but it was a weird thing to hear – especially now that Elena was well-rested and felt more alive than ever. She shook her head.

"Klaus took you," said the witch, and Elena stared at her in surprise.

"What?"

"Damon tried to keep you safe from Klaus, but he couldn't. Damon, Stefan and I found you later. Klaus put you in the hospital. He drained you of all your blood."

Now Elena was quiet. The terror she felt was awaking the monster, and Damon wasn't around. _Time to learn to distract yourself, then. Think of Bonnie. Think of your friendship. Hold on to your emotions._

Bonnie went on.

"There was a spell on you to keep you from transitioning. It froze you in your human state, not letting your body move on. It could only be broken by the person you cared about most, because this person was also the source of energy for the spell. It had probably weakened him by the time we got to you."

Elena closed her eyes, not sure she could face Bonnie during the rest of her story. It was going to be embarrassing, she knew it for sure. Bonnie surprised Elena with her next words.

"Do you need me to tell you who broke the spell or do you already know it?"

Elena looked at Bonnie somewhat guiltily but didn't say a word.

"I know I haven't been paying attention to what was happening in your life. I believed the same thing everyone believed – that it would always be Stefan. I'm not judging you, Elena, even if your choices weren't the best. I just want to know what's happened to make Damon the most important person in your life."

So what she had feared but expected was all true. It was Damon who had broken the spell. Elena didn't feel bad about Stefan at the moment – in fact, the very thought of him allowed her inner monster to darken her eyes by several shades, and she didn't want rage to engulf her – not with Bonnie in the room. She felt bad because Damon had discovered how much she cared in such a twisted way – no conversation, no confession, just the calculated cruelty of magic. Damon shouldn't have found out like this. He didn't need to feel like Elena had been deliberately keeping it from him.

"Elena?"

_What am I supposed to tell her? That Damon stayed by my side without complaining while all I thought about was saving Stefan? That Damon ignored his feelings for me, refusing to take advantage when all I wanted was to give in, because he knew I still loved his brother? That he risked his life for me more than I can remember? That he seems to be the best thing I have in my life?_

"I don't know when it happened," she said quietly. "I don't even need to know, because it was meant to be this way. Damon is like… fire. Once it consumes you, there's no way to escape… not the way you were before, at least. I fought it, I certainly did. I pushed him away, I was angry at him when he didn't deserve it, I didn't even thank him when he deserved gratitude – but he stayed with me despite everything. We didn't find Stefan, then we couldn't break through his bloodlust, then we didn't kill Klaus – and we could only survive because we were together."

"Elena," Bonnie interrupted. "Get that guilty look off your face. I don't blame you. Damon may be an ass most of the time, but he goes out of his way to do what you want him to do."

"Two days ago, when Damon compelled Jeremy to leave… Oh my God, Jeremy! I've-" Elena's eyes widened with surprise that she had forgotten something so important. "His flight-"

"He already left. I came over to say bye. Ric took him to the airport."

One tear slid down Elena's cheek. Jeremy had left and she hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye. She had to concentrate really hard on her love for her brother so as not to think of ripping out Stefan's heart.

"I'm sorry." Bonny patted Elena's shoulder to comfort her. "So, you were saying?"

"When Damon compelled Jeremy to leave, I was depressed. Damon was there for me again – he's the only one who can find the right words to cheer me up. And then… he kissed me, Bonnie. It was a sweet kiss, but if he had gone further, I wouldn't have stopped him. I understood for the first time that I would never have the power to fight what we have. Now, looking back to that moment… I didn't even want to fight it."

"Why do you need to fight it?" asked Bonnie, and the simple question caught Elena off guard.

"Isn't it what I've always been doing? Fighting what Damon and I had, pretending there was no elephant in the room. It had become a part of who I was."

"Maybe now that you're a new Elena, you can stop fighting?" suggested Bonnie. "It's enough that you'll have to suppress your vampire instincts. Don't you think it'd be too much to do the same to yourself as a woman?"

Bonnie, her best friend, a witch who hated vampires, was persuading her to act on her feelings for Damon? Elena felt like she had woken up in an entirely new world.

"Vampires remember what they were compelled to forget as humans," whispered Elena. "Damon compelled me. Once."

"What?" Bonnie's eyes were now full of familiar rage.

"No, not like that. He made me forget… that he loved me. When he and Stefan saved me from Elijah. Damon thought he didn't deserve me, but that Stefan did, so he confessed how he felt and then made me forget it. It doesn't matter anymore, of course. He said it again, and it's… quite obvious, I think. But it makes me wanna cry when I think how painful it must have been for him."

As if to prove her point, more tears welled up in her eyes, as she spoke.

"I hurt him so many times in the past. I won't ever hurt him again."

"You love him," said Bonnie, but Elena shook her head.

"Don't. Don't label it. I'm not ready yet. It's too much for me, I can't deal with it. I just can't. Not right now."

Standing by the fridge in the basement, Damon smiled.

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><p><em><strong>AN: So, this was chapter 4. Thanks for reading, and leave me a couple of words, please. Or many words. The more the better. :D**_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N**_: Hi everyone. :) Sorry for the delay, guys, but last weekend didn't mean a single day off for me, which is why it took me more time to finish this chapter. As usual, thanks to everyone who reviewed, subscribed and added my work to favorite stories. It's very inspiring. :) _

_We celebrate International Women's Day here in Ukraine today (March, 8th), and although I know it's celebrated not everywhere, congratulations to all the ladies out there. ;) We're awesome, right?_

_Special thanks: to my beta reader _**CreepingMuse**_ – she's the best. (Everyone who hasn't checked out her story "_**Breaking Point**_" must do it asap. You don't know what you've been missing. Or any other story, actually, they're all great.)_

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><p>I have nothing left,<p>

And all I feel is this cruel wanting.

We've been falling for all this time,

And now I'm lost in paradise.

~ Evanescence, "Lost In Paradise" ~

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><p>"I know it's not easy for you right now," said Bonnie.<p>

"Do you have any idea what this whole 'heightened senses' thing is like?" whispered Elena, looking away. "It's having a thousand emotions at once, threatening to tear me apart. It's uncomfortable – no, it drives me crazy, it's so powerful that I feel like screaming. I don't have desires anymore, I have urges. They are impossible to fight. But I can't give up all my feelings, because I'll lose the human part of me."

"I won't say I understand, because I don't." Elena raised her head to see that Bonnie was actually smiling. "But you'll figure it out. You're strong enough. If this is how you'll have to live, and if… he's the one you want, I'm with you. I know you'd be with me, too."

"Thank you." Elena smiled.

"Sisters, remember?" Bonnie winked. "Now tell me: any problem with the sun?" she joked.

Elena was thankful for the new subject. She knew Bonnie wasn't the one she needed to discuss her feelings with. It was nice, but it wasn't completely right. Not until she had another important conversation anyway.

She looked around and her gaze lingered on the thick curtains covering the window, not letting a single ray of sunlight penetrate into the room. The instinct of self-preservation and sheer curiosity battled for mere seconds before Elena rose to her feet, holding the blanket in its place with one hand, and made her way to the window. It was so hard to believe that the sun could harm her that she didn't even hesitate for long before slipping her other hand between the curtain and the wall.

The pain was nothing like touching a hot pan. It wasn't even like the only time she hadn't been careful with an iron. It was worse. Not even a second passed before Elena pulled her hand back and for the first time watched her reddened flesh heal.

"Ouch," commented Bonnie, and Elena glared at her with mock offense as she returned to the bed.

"Very helpful, oh almighty witch."

"Almighty or not, I have this for you." Bonnie reached in her pocket. "You've always loved the sun, I know."

Elena took the anklet from Bonnie's outstretched hand and smiled again. Bonnie had no idea how much it meant to her that her friend trusted her even when she was a vampire. She remembered how Bonnie had behaved when Caroline had turned, and that now she took it so well encouraged Elena more than anything Bonnie could have said.

"Thanks."

Vampire or not, she felt at ease around Bonnie. Elena had trusted her with everything throughout her life: great and embarrassing dates, family problems, things that she couldn't tell her mother, and things that she concealed even from Caroline. She should have known that Bonnie would always, always stand up for her.

The thoughts of Caroline reminded Elena of her 'funeral' the night before, and the fact that she hadn't even thought of her friend added to the guilt of missing her brother's departure. As a human Elena had liked to watch the lives of those around her: she hadn't exactly controlled them, but she had always needed to be sure they were all right, everything was going fine and nobody needed her help. Now this exaggerated sense of responsibility was crashing in on her already restless mind.

"How's Care?" she asked.

Bonnie let out the smallest of sighs, so quiet that only Elena's vampire hearing made it audible, and she immediately tensed.

"What's wrong?"

"You're not gonna like it. To be on the safe side, I'll say in advance that she's completely fine and alive."

"Why wouldn't she be alive and fine?" Elena's instincts frightened her almost as much as what could have happened to Caroline. She didn't feel the need to protect Caroline, no, that intense emotion wasn't about protecting. It had an evil nature: Elena wanted to find the one who had hurt her friend and kill him.

She was afraid of getting used to this impulse to cause pain.

"Tyler bit her."

"What? What happened?"

"Look, I wasn't there, so I'll just tell you what she told me earlier today. They were together in the forest. Tyler didn't even realize it was coming, it was all his sire bond to Klaus…"

Elena growled. She knew, had known for a while, that Tyler couldn't be trusted anymore. On the other hand, she was definitely not the one to give advice on how to deal with a boyfriend off the handle.

"How did she even survive? I mean, the bite-"

She swallowed hard, the memory of nearly losing Damon consuming her mind. Like it wasn't enough that she had to deal with new emotions, all the feelings imprinted in her memory became powerful like it had all happened a moment before.

"Klaus saved her."

Elena gaped at Bonnie, speechless.

"Wait, if Tyler did it because Klaus told him to… then why would Klaus save her? And what, he just walked in and offered her his wrist?" Elena shook her head. It sounded too insane to believe.

"Well, from what I gathered, that's pretty much what happened. He also made some sort of heart-rending speech before giving her the… cure." Bonnie cringed.

"That doesn't make sense," said Elena, taking a deep breath. "I mean, this is Klaus we're talking about. He's ruthless, he's evil to the core, there's not a single line he wouldn't cross to get what he wants. And he just spares Caroline's life? I don't believe it. There's got to be a reason."

Bonnie seemed to hesitate for a while before she spoke.

"He spared your life, too. I don't think it mattered to him that much if your condition was like you had died two minutes or two hours before. In other words, Klaus didn't need the spell he cast on you. Breaking it properly was the only chance to bring you back, and he gave us that chance."

"What game is he playing?" asked Elena, knowing Bonnie had no answer. Bonnie shrugged and stood up.

"I'll go see Caroline and try to figure it out."

Elena guessed that Bonnie considerately decided to leave the house, so she could be alone – well, almost alone. She was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire – no, _urge_ – to see Damon. She clenched her fists so as not to run downstairs where she could hear him pacing, and focused on Bonnie, who was scarcely enough to provide the distraction from her urge.

"Do me a favor? Can you stop by my house on the way and bring my clothes here later? Damon won't leave me alone for five minutes, and it's not like I can go anywhere looking like this."

"Why, I'm sure nobody else would mind." Bonnie chuckled. "Sure, I'll get it."

Elena rolled her eyes dramatically, but giggled.

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>Once the front door closed behind Bonnie, one of her urges became too much to suppress. Elena had been able to fight it only promising herself that she'd have time later. She would have time for Damon. Now she seemed to have run out of patience.<p>

_No. I'm stronger than that. I refuse to be an animal ruled by its instincts._

She was unsure if she could also refuse to be a woman ruled by her emotions.

Elena rose to her feet, discarding the blanket, and put her right foot on the bed, clasping the anklet in its place. She felt an incredible lightness in her body as she rushed to the window in a flash, moving the curtains aside to enjoy the warmth of the autumn sun. It didn't feel like she'd expected, though. There seemed to be a shield, hiding her from the sun: Elena could see the light dance on her skin, but there was no warmth. It was like she was standing in the shade.

She sighed, disappointed, but her ears didn't miss a whooshing sound – and then she felt him standing right behind her, a mere inch away. She heard the rhythmic beating of his heart and the quiet measured sound of his breathing, both already becoming her favorite sounds. Most importantly, there was finally the warmth she craved– only it didn't come from the sun. _The simple intimacy of the near touch? _

She and Damon could write an encyclopaedia on everything that could be made intimate, intentionally and otherwise.

Elena didn't say his name like she normally would, because that was not what she needed. Instead she turned around to be met by his intense gaze – she had no idea how those eyes of purest blue surprised her every time with a new force, but they did. Her hands rose to his cheeks, cupping his face like that night after Stefan's treachery at Homecoming. Only now Elena wasn't trying to comfort him – she was trying to ease the need she felt for his touch, at least a little, and it scared her. _You can't control it_, he had said, and she proved him wrong. She controlled everything, just not enough. Or maybe she controlled it too much.

She let her hands slide down, stopping at his upper arms to hold onto him, and her forehead dropped to his shoulder. He remained still, though Elena wanted – needed – to feel his hands on her waist, pressing her close to his body. The fabric of his T-shirt felt soft against her face, but it wasn't the softness she needed, and Elena turned her head a little to nestle her face to the side of his neck. His skin was so perfect against hers that she wanted them to stay like this forever. Almost.

"Hold me," she asked desperately. Normally she didn't like it when her voice came out like a plea, but now she was past caring. If she hadn't asked for that, she would have asked him to kiss her. Or something else. Damon didn't hesitate. His arms encircled her slender body, one hand rested on the small of her back, the other one on her shoulder blades. The warmth that Elena felt turned into overwhelming heat, and she welcomed it. It was right.

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><p>Damon thought it was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do. Elena's hands, her touch, her closeness, were driving him insane, and he had to stay motionless, pretending that his body didn't react to her in every possible way. At the moment he couldn't let himself so much as caress her cheek or kiss her forehead. It was petty and selfish, but he didn't want to give her a single way out of this. He didn't want Elena to find an excuse later: to say that it was Damon who did something to cause this reaction. Sure, she was a young unstable vampire, but that only explained why she let it show. It didn't explain why she felt this way.<p>

He didn't label her feelings, like she had asked.

"You heard everything," she whispered, and it wasn't a question. He nodded, knowing she'd feel the movement.

"Why did you decide that I didn't need it? Why did you take away that memory? You should've let me judge what I needed to know."

Her breath tickled his neck, and he reveled in the sensation while contemplating the answer.

"Would it have changed anything? It would've only added to your guilt. I can deal with my feelings on my own," he said a little sternly.

"But-"

"Elena, we shouldn't even talk about it." Damon pulled back to look her in the eye. "Not right now," he added, trying not to let himself be affected by the power of her chocolate brown eyes. Elena nodded, offering a smile that didn't touch her eyes. Damon hated that look: so broken, so devastated. He had to remind himself again that it was for her sake, that he couldn't take advantage of Elena when she was at her most vulnerable.

At that moment he'd give anything to see a smile on her face, and then an idea crossed his mind. He grinned, and Elena narrowed her eyes, seeing the familiar playful look on his face.

"What are you up to?"

"I'll show you, don't worry. You may want to wait for Bonnie, though. What I want you to see involves leaving the house, and as lovely as you look in my shirt, I'd rather nobody else saw you in it."

He actually laughed at her panicky face when she realized how she looked around _him_. Elena's gaze darted from the blanket she had left on the bed to Damon, and he could bet she would choose to cover herself in less than ten seconds.

"I think I'm almost feeling hungry," she said, and Damon stared at her, unused to being surprised. "I can't figure out if it's about food or blood."

"It's always both," he answered, and Elena sighed.

"Will you help me with..." she trailed off, not sure how to put it into words. He knew what she meant. _Will you stand there and make sure I won't lose it? Will you help me stay a little human? _He knew her better than anyone else, and he could imagine her thoughts as if she was screaming them out loud.

"Absolutely."

She walked out of the room first, and Damon couldn't help but appreciate again how she looked. No matter that it was silly and foolishly sentimental, he decided to memorize this moment as one of his small victories.

"Damon!" called Elena impatiently. His grin grew wider as he followed her downstairs.

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><p><em><strong>AN**: Thanks for reading (if you're here for the first time) or sticking with the story (if you've already read the first chapters) - and for the sake of my writing inspiration and the holiday, leave me a review, please. ;)_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I know, I know. I haven't updated it in a month. I hope you're still there, waiting for a new chapter and glad to see it published. ;)**

**My gratitude goes, as usual, to _CreepingMuse_, who beta read this chapter and helped me shape it with her comments and our conversations.**

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><p>"<em>Just once in my life,<em>

_I think it'd be nice_

_Just to lose control, just once,_

_With all the pretty flowers in the dust."_

_~ Evanescence, "Lose Control" ~_

* * *

><p>The forest didn't seem to have changed, and that comforted Elena a little. Since she'd been turned, she couldn't get rid of the feeling that everything around her would fall apart, that another doppelganger turning into a vampire would bring about dire consequences. However, the sun was still in the sky. The Earth was still rotating on its axis. Elena needed desperately to feel the normalcy of something – even if it was the creepy forest filled with more memories than she wanted. Damon's offer to go there had been unexpected, but she had agreed wholeheartedly. It was high time they made new memories there.<p>

Still, Elena couldn't get rid of the sensation that something was wrong. It was odd and unnatural that she could see the sun but not feel it, or that October wind felt warm on her skin. Damon wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Somehow it was the most natural thing in the entire forest.

"Listen," said Damon quietly, and Elena did, but she couldn't hear anything unusual. She heard their heartbeats, their breathing, the usual sounds of forest, but nothing else.

"Is something wrong?" she asked warily. Damon smiled, and she couldn't look away.

"Yep. If you listen really hard, you'll hear squirrels' secret anti-vampire meeting." She rolled her eyes. "Loosen up. I just want to show you the perks of being a vampire."

"Damon… Don't. Don't try to make me feel better about it."

"Do you trust me?"

Elena narrowed her eyes.

"Do you really need to ask?"

"Then just listen. Close your eyes. Relax. Concentrate only on the sounds around you."

It was a little difficult to focus on anything when he was so close, but Elena obeyed. Again: heartbeats, breathing. A bird on the tree next to them, chirping and heartbeat. The quiet rustling of tree branches, shaken by the wind. Another bird a little farther away. The rhythmic beating of small hearts – animals, she guessed. More birds. She listened as hard as she could, and the sounds of water flowing, cars speeding and hundreds of things she didn't even have a name for added to the melody of the forest, creating complicated, beautiful music – so arrhythmic, yet so full of harmony. Elena had never realized that mere sounds could be so full of life.

"It's amazing," she whispered and opened her eyes to find Damon looking at her. He was gorgeous, eyes shining with adoration, lips curved into a tender smile she had rarely seen. Elena's concentration snapped like a string, and the music was gone, but she didn't care. She couldn't look away from Damon, as if he was compelling her. Of course, that wasn't the case. She hadn't been able to avert her gaze from his lips even when she was human. He said something, but she didn't hear, leaning in.

"Elena!" Damon repeated, and Elena froze, finally meeting his gaze. Damn it. She wasn't supposed to feel like that. She was Elena Gilbert, for heaven's sake, and she could control herself. She'd gotten it down to a fine art. And here she was, incapable of keeping up a conversation with her… No, she didn't know who Damon was for her now. No labels.

Still, she couldn't understand why he was doing it. Why was he distracting her when she was obviously ready to give in to him? She had never wanted to kiss anyone so badly, she could feel her lips tingling, her lower belly aching, her skin craving his touch.

Elena forced herself to focus on his words.

"Now look at the sun," said Damon, moving behind her and putting his hands on her shoulders.

"Directly?"

"Yeah."

Elena looked up. Wearing the anklet she couldn't even feel the star that could burn her to ashes– but when she really fixed her gaze on it, it was indescribable. The light dispersed into rainbow-like rays, spreading spots of colorful light all over the sky. It was familiar and unusual, beautiful and intimidating, and she was staring at the sun, unable to avert her eyes.

Now she felt truly alive.

* * *

><p>He taught her to see everything anew. Patterns on the bark, animals' traces on the ground, a hundred hues of blue in the sky. The thousand hues of blue in his eyes she learned to see on her own.<p>

"You can see as much or little as you want," Damon explained. "It's up to you. It's like humans squinting to see something far away. Only a little more advanced. No big deal. Same thing with hearing. As for the sense of smell or taste, you can't control it. It's gonna be intensified anyway. Comes in handy most of the time. But taking into consideration how often I have to dispose of corpses, sometimes the smell makes me wanna stake myself."

Elena couldn't but chuckle, shaking her head. Now they were sitting at a safe distance on oak stumps, and she was asking questions endlessly. Damon answered – when he wasn't teasing her, that is.

"And as for the sense of touch…" He trailed off, reaching out and stroking her jean-clad knee, then her thigh, his fingers feather-light on the fabric covering her skin. Her reaction was immediate. Elena heard her own heart speeding up; she shivered – she knew he could hear it, too. Damon's heart was beating faster than usual, too. _It's scary. It's so scary to think that he's been able to know how he affects me all along. But now I'll know, too. I'll hear how his heart races when I'm close. I'll hear his breath hitching when I touch him. _Did she want to? A thousand times yes.

Elena caught his hand on her thigh, and pulled him toward her – a little more roughly than she intended, but she didn't really care. Damon ended up on his knees before her, and she wasted no time, cradling his face in her hands and kissing him like she wanted to, like she knew they both wanted to. Like he should have kissed her on the porch. Like this was their first kiss – or their last one. His lips parted under her insistent tongue, and his response was immediate. She finally had the taste she had been craving – her personal definition of heaven.

It was so different from what she had experienced before. Elena didn't know if it was because now she was a vampire, or if Damon was so intoxicating –probably both – but the sensation was completely different. It wasn't just pleasure or desire – it was a deep feeling of complete satisfaction. It made her toes curl and her blood boil, and she never wanted it to end.

Not that she didn't feel desire, too. Especially after she showed Damon what she wanted and he was kissing her deeply, passionately, and with intimacy she'd never felt. That's how Damon Salvatore was supposed to kiss the woman he loved, she thought contentedly.

They pulled back a little, but stayed close, neither ready to let the other go.

"Elena," he whispered, and she shook her head, pressing her fingers to his lips.

"Shh." Her head was spinning, and blood was rushing through her veins (and his, too) so fast that the sound it produced was deafening. Damon kissed her palm, and she smiled. Then an uneasy feeling in her stomach reminded her of another need she had to take care of.

"I think I need to eat. And…drink."

That sounded embarrassing at such a moment, but Damon rose to his feet, pulling her up with him, shook the dirt off his pants and his smile turned into a smirk.

"What about the Grill? A few sandwiches, a little booze and a random visitor to bite…" Elena looked at him half-reproachful, half-amused, and shook her head. "Okay, then a few sandwiches for us both, a little booze for me and a blood bag for you?"

She could agree to that.

* * *

><p>The blood bags and booze part they did at the boarding house. Damon had his share of fun trying to talk Elena into having a little liquor – he wasn't surprised that she refused. When she drank blood this time, she wasn't as violent – still not quite in control, but Damon could see she was progressing. Of course, her reaction was strong – the hunger always did that to any vampire – but it seemed she wasn't as overwhelmed as before. Now he was even more certain they could do this. Together.<p>

They still decided to go out. Pleased with Elena's progress, Damon wanted her to practice being around other people, total strangers. It would be hard, he warned, but Elena was willing to try.

The Grill was almost empty when they arrived, which surprised Damon. The only bar in Mystic Falls was always full of visitors. There was Matt, a few men getting their daily dose of liquor – and that was it. Elena closed her eyes tightly and gritted her teeth. Damon knew exactly what she was feeling.

"Have the health inspectors found any cockroaches?" asked Damon, referring to the lack of clients, and Matt looked up from the glass he was wiping. He smiled when he saw Elena, but the rhythm of his heartbeat got uneven, nervous. He knew what she was now. Bonnie had probably told him. Or Caroline had.

"Oh, hi, g-guys," he stuttered a little, cleared his throat and went on. "I spent the whole day with Caroline and just got here. Have you heard?"

"Tyler couldn't keep his teeth to himself. Been there, done that, not interested in details," Damon said, earning a glare from Elena.

"It doesn't explain why Klaus did what he did, though," she said.

"He's Klaus." Damon pulled a face. "He creates hybrids because he feels lonely. Do we really need to explain everything he does?"

"How's Care?" asked Elena, and Matt smiled.

"She's great, otherwise I wouldn't have left her. But she's worried…and so am I," he admitted, looking uncomfortable. "How are you?"

"It's okay. I'm gonna be fine. Damon is… supporting me."

Damon smirked. His Elena was an expert at understatement. _My Elena. That sounds nice. It sounds great, in fact. I may be a hopeful idiot, but I want to call her mine. I want her to admit she's mine, to tell me about it, most importantly, to feel it. She cares about me – but is it only because at the moment she hates Stefan? She wants me – but does that mean anything now that she's new to the wild desires that come with the nature of a vampire? _Damon didn't know, so he would hope. Hope was his most cruel enemy, but also his most powerful ally since the day he'd returned to Mystic Falls.

"I'm glad," Matt smiled in earnest, and Damon thought that maybe the guy was actually not as awful as he'd always assumed. Though what Elena had seen in Matt when they'd been together, he still had no idea. "Can I get you something to eat?"

Damon was about to say "What about bringing that guy over here?", but he knew better. Elena was tense and wary next to him, her breathing slow but shallow. He squeezed her hand reassuringly and she smiled a little, calming down.

"A couple of burgers will be fine," she told Matt, and he busied himself with the food. Damon's phone beeped and he pulled it out of his pocket, cursing whoever it was that bothered him. There was a message from Bonnie, and he frowned. Why on earth would Bonnie call _him_?

Whatever the reason was, it wasn't good.

"I'll be right back," he told Elena, and knowing she'd want to know everything immediately, he went outside alone before she could stop him.

* * *

><p>Once Damon left her side, Elena felt her control slipping. It was so much easier when he was holding her hand, when his familiar smell invaded her senses, making her head spin with something other than bloodlust, when his closeness provided the best distraction she could imagine.<p>

Human hearts beat nearby. She could hear delicious blood moving in their veins, filling every part of their bodies, returning to the heart and pulsating in the neck. She let the rhythm lull her into a sort of trance, and her control had frayed before she realized the mistake she'd made.

These weren't Bonnie or Matt. They were just human beings, creatures that existed to sustain her. Nothing more. They weren't important to her, which meant they weren't important at all. She wanted it so much that it hurt. It hurt her gums, her eyes, it felt like it was hurting even her heart, the craving growing stronger with every second.

Still in trance, she appeared in front of one of the men, and before he could react, she had him pressed against the wall, her hand on his throat.

Cravings were meant to be satisfied.

* * *

><p><strong>There you go. I hope you liked it – whether you did or not, I'd like to know what you think. ;)<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Long time no see, guys. Longer than I would like, but these are tough months. Here you are: chapter 7. Enjoy. :) **

_Special thanks: of course, to the best beta reader and a great friend **CreepingMuse**. Thanks to her, this chapter looks much better than it initially did both in terms of language and sense._

_Thanks a lot to everyone who read and reviewed the previous chapter. I usually try to reply to everyone in person, but life's been a little tough. Your feedback means a lot to me!_

* * *

><p><em>Then you look at me<em>

_You're not shouting anymore_

_You're silently broken_

~ Evanescence, "Forgive Me" ~

* * *

><p>A thin layer of fragile skin was all that separated Elena from what she wanted, needed, and she could see nothing but the veins beneath that she was about to tear, could hear nothing but the rapid pulse. She felt her face transforming, but it didn't matter to her, nor did the fangs matter anymore – they were just a means to satisfy the craving. There was screaming, but the blood was louder. Someone grabbed her arm, Elena shook off the unwelcome intrusion and lowered her head to the man's neck. She had never been taught to drink from the source, but it wasn't necessary; her instincts were guiding her. All it would take was one bite…<p>

"Elena!"

She hesitated just for a brief moment, and then she was pulled back, away from the warm, delicious blood without even getting a taste. She screamed and thrashed, and tried to break free, but she was held so tightly that soon she couldn't budge.

"Elena."

Now it was merely a whisper, but it was enough. She felt a warm touch on her face, gentle fingers caressing her skin – now smooth, human. She retracted her fangs, and something burned her eyes.

Elena hadn't yet noticed tears were more painful for a vampire. A creature that was meant to hunt wasn't supposed to cry over its prey – but she couldn't stop it. She was aware of every agonizing tear, felt the salty drops welling up in her eyes and leaving burning trails on her cheeks. Elena wept, hand pressed to her mouth, as she watched Damon taking care of the mess she'd made. He compelled the man she had attacked, then the other visitors to forget everything and leave, and everything was done in a matter of seconds. Her tearful eyes grew wide in horror when she saw Matt – he was on the floor, groaning in pain, holding his head. Following the direction of her gaze, Damon rushed to Matt's side, bit his wrist and held out his hand.

"Drink."

Matt tried to shake his head and groaned again.

"Look, Donovan, I don't really give a fuck about how you feel, but if you don't listen to me, you'll be out for a week and that might be inconvenient for everyone. Drink."

Elena let out a relieved sigh when Matt followed the order. Damon helped him up and flashed in front of her. He pressed her to his chest, stroking her face. "It's okay, Elena. It's okay. I'm here, nothing happened. Damn, I shouldn't have left you."

"It's not okay. Nothing's okay, Damon," she whispered, so no one else would hear. "I wanted it. I wanted to get the blood, even if I had to kill him. I didn't care, he didn't matter to me. How is that possible? It's not me. I don't know who this person is."

"You're Elena Gilbert. You're the strongest person I've ever known. You've been brave enough to fight for your life and the lives of the people you care about for so long that I know you're not gonna give up. I know you'll survive this."

"Whether I'll survive doesn't matter. What matters is that people around me may not. I'm not safe."

"True. You're dangerous to them now."

Damon never hid the truth from her, never sugarcoated it. Elena knew that no matter what she did or how awful it was, he never tried to keep her from falling into the precipice of guilt and regret by lying to her. He was always waiting there, though, ready to catch her when she fell.

"But it won't always be like this," he continued, pulling back and looking her in the eye. "You won't learn to control yourself anytime soon. It will be one of the hardest things you've ever done, because you won't _want_ to fight it. You'll feel better giving in."

Elena bit her bottom lip so hard she almost drew blood. He was supposed to help her, wasn't he? And there he was, talking about giving in – tempting her? Testing her? No way, Elena thought angrily. She was better than this. It didn't matter how good it felt. What was right mattered. Nobody was better than Elena at doing the right thing instead of what she wanted, after all. Maybe she would finally benefit from all of her denial and sacrifice.

"I won't give in, Damon," she said firmly. "I'll learn to control myself. It's the only chance I have."

"That's the resolve I've been waiting for," answered Damon. Elena nodded with a sigh and went to check on Matt. Asking how he felt and apologizing endlessly, she could forget for a moment about the eternal issue of what felt good and what was right.

* * *

><p>"Where did you go?" Elena asked in the car on the way back to the boarding house. Somehow they didn't even question the fact that she had to return there, not to her own house. Damon wasn't going to leave her anytime soon, and she didn't want him to, either. She didn't feel okay. Not even close. But when she was with Damon, she felt at least safe.<p>

"Outside."

Elena rolled her eyes. "Obviously. Why?"

She could see Damon was reluctant to tell her, and worry filled her mind immediately.

"Bonnie called. There was an… unwelcome complication." Elena didn't like the tone of his voice. Why wouldn't he tell her? Damon wouldn't hide something serious from her… right?

"What do you mean?" Elena asked anyway, looking him in the eye for a moment.

"I guess you don't need to ask me," Damon's voice suddenly turned angry and he narrowed his eyes, as if whatever irritated him so much was right on the wildshield. "The complication's arrived," he added, pulling up at the boarding house.

"What the hell are you talking about?" she snapped. Damon sighed.

"Listen."

Their heartbeats. Their breathing. Street noises. Elena strained her ears a little more, like Damon had taught her, and she froze. There was another heartbeat coming from the house. The slow, steady rhythm could only belong to an undead being.

"Who's that?" she asked warily.

"My martyr of a brother, apparently," he said through gritted teeth, still refusing to meet her eye.

Elena stared at Damon, half-relieved, half-terrified. Her instincts were warring with her feelings, rational thinking seemed to have abandoned her entirely as Elena struggled to remember why she was supposed to hate Stefan – or recall why she loved him – or had loved him. She didn't know anymore.

Anger in Damon's eyes subsided a little when he looked at Elena, and he spoke in a much gentler voice.

"You don't have to deal with it now. Let's go somewhere. Anywhere. To your lake house. To Richmond. Hell, to Atlanta. You may not be ready for all the emotional drama, and if I know Stefan at all, I bet he's already prepared an emo speech with the words 'so, so, so sorry' every other minute," he grinned at Elena, but she could tell he didn't really feel like grinning. She took his hand in hers, and reveled in the sense of calmness that washed over her once their skin made contact.

"I need to do this, Damon. I _need_ to get through this. All right?"

His eyes made it very clear that it was anything but all right. Elena knew that he wasn't just worried about her. Damon was afraid he would snap, that he would do something to Stefan he'd regret later. But he also needed to see his brother and make sure he was okay, that much Elena was sure about. Damon nodded, lips pressed firmly together, and they both got out of the car. She took his hand in hers again, and they walked toward the door – together.

* * *

><p>Stefan was waiting in the parlor, sitting in the armchair. When Elena saw him, everything was suddenly so clear that she didn't know why she hadn't figured it out earlier. While part of Elena's instincts still made her tense and uncomfortable around the person who had done this to her, her heart had no doubt that she had to forgive him. She had forgiven Stefan when he disrespected and humiliated her, she'd loved him through mass murder and compelled indifference, and if the only way to fix this broken man was to give him her forgiveness, she would gladly do it. Elena <em>needed<em> everyone she cared about to be happy, and while she didn't know where she and Stefan stood now, he would always be one of those people.

"Elena…" started Stefan, standing up. His face wasn't the unemotional mask that was the last thing she had seen before she died. She could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. The man she was looking at seemed to be the same Stefan who she had last seen when he'd told her to go talk to his dying brother. "I was wrong. I shouldn't have done this."

"Yes, you shouldn't have," she agreed, looking Stefan in the eye.

"How… how are you doing?" he asked, averting his gaze.

"Just awesome, brother, thanks for your concern," Damon answered before she could, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Should I snap your neck and ask you how you're doing?"

"Damon," Elena said warningly, turning to look at him for a moment. The last thing she wanted was for them to get into a fight. He looked irritated, but relatively in control. Elena smiled at him reassuringly, but Damon didn't return her smile. She turned to Stefan again.

"I'll be fine."

He nodded, looking at her and down again.

"Look, I'm… I'm sorry."

"Here it goes," Damon groaned. Stefan ignored him.

"I know that what I've done is unforgivable, but I hope that one day…in future…you may decide to forgive me."

"You hurt me," said Elena quietly, and Stefan nodded, still scrutinizing the rug under his feet. "I'm not even talking about how you killed me. You did what you thought you had to do for your revenge, but you used me. Used. I may have owed you my life, but I never expected you to make me repay that debt like this. And that's what hurts the most. You betrayed my trust for the sake of your revenge."

"I know," answered Stefan, meeting her eye.

"I don't trust you, I don't know if I ever will," Elena continued, taking a step closer to him. She heard Damon move a little closer, too, refusing to put more distance between them. "But I forgive you."

"What?" Damon's voice was so indignant that Elena turned around and looked at him pleadingly. She needed him to understand why she was doing this, why she was giving Stefan absolution he didn't deserve.

"Damon…"

"Elena, have you lost your mind? What the hell are you doing?"

"Stefan needs my forgiveness, and it's…all I can give him now."

Damon didn't seem to see the situation as clearly as she did.

"If he needs your forgiveness, it makes everything okay? Why? Because he'll always be the knight in shining armor in our twisted family?"

"Damon, it's not-" Stefan tried to add, but his brother interrupted him.

"Shut up, Stefan. You don't get to try to reason with me. If Elena buys your eternal love crap-"

Elena shook her head and grabbed Damon's arm, trying to make him look at her. He seemed to ignore her, but his voice turned from furious to tired.

"Look, Stefan, just… go, please. Go. I don't know where, and I'm not sure it matters to me, but if you stay, I'll lose it. I don't want to, but I will."

Stefan nodded, and slowly walked to the front door and out of the house, looking at anything but the two people in the room. Elena followed him with her gaze until he left the room, then looked at Damon. He was still standing there like a statue – an embodiment of tenseness and barely restrained anger. Her hands moved to his face, cupping it, caressing his skin with her thumbs, but he didn't even look at her.

"Go get some rest, Elena," he said in a voice so indifferent that it cut her heart like a knife. "Choose any room you want. Call me when you want to eat."

He moved away from her, grabbed the nearest bottle of liquor from his collection and disappeared into his bedroom.

Elena knew it was the only room that was off limits tonight.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you are a little confused about why exactly Damon was so angry, or why Elena forgave Stefan so easily, it'll all be explained in the following chapter. I won't promise to update soon, but I've already started working on chapter 8. Hope you enjoyed the chapter and thanks for reading. :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Okay, guys, I know it was a hard finale to watch, and that most of us feel a little heartbroken, but I'm still optimistic, and I will be optimistic. I won't give you a whole lot of reasons here, but I suggest you check the last line of my profile where I've posted a link to the best post on all this by LoveEpicLove. Really great reasoning. **

**This chapter is rather angsty. I wrote most of it before the finale, thankfully, or I wouldn't have been able to get it written. I'm only asking you to remember: this is a Delena fic, and even though they will have hard times, they always survive.**

_Special thanks: to **CreepingMuse**, of course. I'll be forever grateful for the day you published "Consumed" and the day I came across a familiar nickname on the list of beta readers. ;) Guys, check out her awesome new one-shot "The Boy in Gray" – s/8099430._

* * *

><p><em>Can you forgive me again?<em>

_I don't know what I said,_

_But I didn't mean to hurt you._

~ Evanescence, "Forgive Me" ~

* * *

><p>Damon looked at the glass in his hand. It was already getting dark, and he hadn't even finished one bottle yet – whiskey didn't help him anymore; nothing really did. It didn't restrain the irrational jealousy that had gripped him since the moment Elena had forgiven Stefan a few hours before. Nor could it remove the emptiness he was feeling even now.<p>

Undoubtedly, he was happy that Stefan seemed to be back. Damon knew better than anyone that there was no real and eternal humanity switch. He knew that Stefan was already returning, he was almost back – he had known it the moment Stefan had confessed he'd saved Klaus to save his brother. If Stefan needed forgiveness, it wouldn't be long until he was completely himself; maybe he already was. But all that had nothing to do with Damon's anger.

His anger had everything to do with Elena.

Truthfully, Damon knew he had no right to judge her, but he couldn't help it. How could she forgive the man who ended her human life? The man who deprived her of the chance to ever have normal family, children? His heart twitched painfully at the thought, but he had to admit she could have chosen a life without anything supernatural, she could have decided to cut both Salvatores out of her life and try to be just a regular young girl.

There was another thought, which Damon was ashamed of, but it was the worst of it all. He remembered that Elena had never forgiven _him_ this easily. But now that Stefan came to apologize after he'd killed her, she forgave him the moment he asked for it? He'd gotten his revenge on Klaus at _her_ expense, and Elena wasn't even mad? But of course, why was he even surprised? "It's Stefan we're talking about." "It will always be Stefan." He could quote her endlessly, every word more painful than a stake in the gut.

Damon let out a joyless laugh. So, he was right not to get his hopes up too high – obviously, Elena wasn't in her right mind this whole day. She had touched him, kissed him, and foolish as he was, he had allowed himself to believe it meant something. Well, it did – Elena wanted him, that much was clear, but Damon knew it anyway, had known for a while. She had shown she trusted him enough to let him sleep by her side, that she trusted him with her life – but it had all happened just because her boyfriend had been gone. Even now, it was all about Stefan.

How had he allowed this to happen, anyway? How could he let one girl torture him that fucking much?

It didn't help that Damon heard the girl in question approaching his room and then, in a while, knock lightly on the door.

"Come in," he said, bracing himself. There was nothing more frightening in the world than Elena Gilbert.

* * *

><p>Elena stopped before the door, knowing very well that Damon could hear her, but she couldn't bring herself to open it and face him in his current state of mind. She had been debating with herself all this time, trying to figure out whether it was best to go see him now or to let him cool off and talk to him when he was in a better mood.<p>

Then she'd cursed herself for being so stupid. In a better mood? When did Damon ever cool off? They needed to talk it out, for both their sake.

Elena's resolve subsided a little when she thought of what Damon was like when he was upset. She was almost afraid to talk to him, but then she remembered the cold, indifferent voice he'd used with her a couple of hours ago. Elena was willing to let him shout at her, break bottles and glasses, destroy half the house, as long as it meant that he cared. If Damon wasn't there for her, Elena didn't know if she could go through everything she had to deal with. Sometimes, the knowledge that he cared was the only thing that helped her get through the day.

She knocked on the door, and felt an uneasy emptiness in her stomach when she heard his cold "Come in." Elena entered the room quietly and found him on the bed with a glass of whiskey in his hand.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Elena?" he asked, his gaze fixed on the glass. Apparently, her suspicions were right – he didn't seem any calmer. Even if his voice was even and controlled, she knew Damon well enough to see that he was seething on the inside.

"We need to talk," she said pleadingly, sitting beside him, and Damon finally looked at her. His eyes looked more steely than blue. She wasn't sure if she was ready to have this conversation, but Damon was hurting because of what _she_ had done, and Elena knew she had to fix it somehow – anyhow.

"Fine. Talk," he said.

"Don't be like this," she asked, and Damon let out a strained laugh.

"Like what? Like the guy you run to when you need something and ditch when everything's all right? Who's always wrong no matter what he does? Who you expect to live for you because he's stupid and can't help loving you?"

"I don't-" she started, but he interrupted her.

"Cut it out, Elena. Apparently, my holy brother can't hurt you enough. Damn, he killed you_ yesterday_, and you're already running back into his arms?"

Elena was relieved to hear his voice – angry, disappointed, but at least not indifferent. She shifted closer, and was glad when he didn't move away.

"It's not like that, Damon. I didn't forgive Stefan so we could be together again. I just… needed to forgive him, I needed him to be all right. I couldn't stand the thought of-"

"…hurting _Stefan_," he interrupted, shoving away her hand when she tried to put it on his shoulder. "He's obviously the only one you don't want to hurt, isn't he?"

"Damon, I know you're mad at me, but I don't know what to do for you to forgive me, because I just… I don't understand what makes you this angry. Are you…" she hesitated for a few moments, "…jealous? Do you think that I'll return to Stefan after everything? Is that what it's all about?"

Damon shook his head, narrowing his eyes.

"I don't get to be jealous. You aren't mine, Elena, and you never were."

She tried to speak, but Damon didn't let her.

"I'm not mad because you forgave Stefan. I'm mad because no matter what he does, he deserves more than I do. Why does he get your forgiveness the moment he asks for it? Why does it always take a near-death experience for you to forgive _me_?"

The realization hit Elena like a freight train. Once Damon had forced her to drink his blood, but he hadn't been trying to challenge or get revenge on anyone, unlike Stefan. He'd had only one selfish reason: he wanted Elena to be alive. He couldn't stand the thought of losing her. And when he had come to apologize the following day, she had told him she needed time. "Maybe a lot of time," she had said, and he had granted her all the time he'd thought he wouldn't have. He had let her be mad at him for loving her too much to let her go.

"Will you believe me if I say I did it for myself even more than for Stefan?" she asked, cupping his face. This time he didn't move. "He was hurting, I could sense it, and I really _felt_ his pain." When Damon scoffed, she went on before he could say anything. "But that pain has nothing on what I feel now that I hurt _you_. I need you to forgive me, too. Please."

Damon's expression turned from dejected to thoughtful.

"Wait, you're saying you could _sense_ he was in pain? And… that I'm in pain? And you feel it, too?"

Whatever it was that caused his change of mood, Damon wasn't mad any more, and Elena wanted to laugh with delight.

"Yeah?"

"Of course. I'm an idiot."

"What? Why?" Elena was lost again. He wasn't making sense.

"Your heightened senses. When you were human, you were so empathic it was unhealthy. And you always, always wanted everyone but yourself to be happy. Now that you're a vampire, it's not just unhealthy anymore. It's completely insane."

He stated it like it was the most normal thing in the world, and Elena smiled. She finally felt better. This was the Damon she felt good around, who made her want to get closer to him, to hold him and make him believe that hurting him was the last thing she would ever do. She let her hands slide down to his shoulders, looking at him expectantly.

"I should have realized it earlier," he said quietly. "Instead, I made it all about me."

"I'm sorry I made you think that… this day didn't mean anything. Because it did."

"I know," he nodded, and Elena was just about to move closer and give him a hug when he asked another question. "What about Stefan, though?"

She sighed, looking away. How could she answer when she had no idea? She cared about Stefan, a lot, but after what he'd done, she truly didn't know what to do. Her instincts told her that she cared, but that she should stay away from him. Her feelings were a mess, a mixture of love, longing, hurt and confusion. She didn't know how to reconcile these warring parts of her.

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><p>The silence was growing loud, and Damon was getting anxious. Why was she still quiet? Was it such a difficult question? For Damon, it was the simplest question ever. You either loved someone, or were in love with someone, or didn't give a shit. Those were the only possible variants of attitude man was capable of.<p>

Elena looked him in the eye, almost like she was trying to compel him to take his question back and pretend that he had never asked it, but he wasn't going to let it go. He could do anything for this woman, he could kill and die for her, but he deserved some answers, and Elena would _have_ to answer this time around.

"I… I don't know, Damon," she shook her head, and he narrowed his eyes, again.

"It took you a whole minute to come up with that evasion? Honestly, Elena, I expected a better excuse."

Her expression turned determined and even a little angry.

"He's important to me. He's the first person I truly loved, and I'll never get over it. If you're expecting me here to tell me that I hate him for what he has done to me, that I'll cut him out of my life and never let him return, it's not gonna happen, because part of me will always love him."

Damon thought of the moment when Mikael was about to rip his heart out of his chest. It had probably hurt a little less.

"Tell me if I got this right, Elena," he said, trying hard not to start shouting again. "You love Stefan, I'm not allowed to give a damn about it, and your need to be around me is completely irrelevant?" He would feel triumphant seeing how nervous she looked now, but he was too angry for that. "What? You thought I didn't notice? You thought I would forget the way you kissed me? Sorry, Elena, but you don't get to walk away now."

He moved a little closer, so there were mere inches separating them now, and she tilted her head, staring at him almost…fearfully? What did she think he was going to do? Tear her clothes to shreds and take her there and then? Hurt her? Did she really think that low of him?

He knew better than that.

"Now that we've established how epic and eternal your love for Stefan is, I need you to answer just one question."

Her eyes dropped to his lips, and her own lips quivered, as if she had already guessed his question, and her eyes begged him to stop, but he didn't show her mercy now.

"What is it that you feel for me, Elena?"

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><p><em><strong>AN: Yeah, a cliffhanger. I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts, predictions and comments. Hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading.**_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: After this long struggle, here it is, the last chapter. It's shorter than the previous ones, but quantity doesn't always mean quality. Thanks for sticking with the story and putting up with my awfully long breaks. Studying and writing aren't good friends. ;)**

_Special thanks: of course, to **CreepingMuse**, a great friend and beta reader who saved me from a lot of linguistic, stylistic and logical mistakes, encouraged me when I couldn't get the sounding right, listened to me whine and helped a lot to shape this story. And even for the theme song for this chapter. ;) You're great._

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><p>"<em>And the heart is hard to translate,<em>

_It has a language of its own,_

_It talks in tongues and quiet sighs and prayers and proclamations…"_

_~ Florence and the Machine, "All This and Heaven Too" ~_

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><p>"<em>What is it that you feel for me, Elena?"<em>

Elena shook her head, opening her mouth and closing it again. This time she really had to answer Damon's question. Her answer would define everything, she realized. If she lied, Damon would know, he always knew. And it would be the last straw – he wouldn't forgive her any more. Damon could stand a lot of things, but he had pride. She'd lose him. and would have to spend forever making up for it, hoping that one day he would give her another chance.

Elena gasped. She had never been more terrified in her life. Damon, who had been staring at her expectantly, pulled back a little to look her in the eye. "Hey, what is it? You okay?"

No, she wasn't. The thought of losing him was too horrible. _That_ was what Elena wasn't ready for. To lose, because of her own stupidity, that incredible man, who loved her more than anything and anyone in the world.

She only needed to tell him the truth.

But saying it was difficult. What was the truth, anyway? How could she even begin to define what she felt for him? It wasn't _love_, no. Couldn't be. She knew love: it was safe and easy, rarely painful, it made her feel comfortable. It had absolutely nothing to do with this dire need to give her whole self to another person and take everything he could give her, to kill for him, die for him, live for him. The human language didn't have a right word for what she felt. It was all too much. _He_ was too much.

Kissing, on the other hand, was a whole lot easier. It was an instinct, a natural desire to get closer.

Elena put her left hand on his cheek, her right hand ended up on the back of his neck to hold him in place. Keeping eye contact as long as possible, Elena pulled closer. Damon wasn't moving, he was only holding her gaze, still tense, but somewhat hopeful.

She kissed cheek, the corner of his mouth, and finally brushed her lips against his. She expected Damon to take the lead, but he didn't respond to her touch, and Elena planted a tender, lingering kiss on his lips before she pulled back and looked him in the eye again.

"That's not an answer," said Damon in a harsh voice, fists clenched, eyes wild. Elena knew he wasn't mad at her, though. His breathing and heartbeat gave it all away. He was simply trying to restrain himself.

Well, sooner or later she would have to put up with scantiness of her vocabulary.

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><p>It wasn't easy for Damon to behave like that when Elena was so vulnerable. He hated himself for pressing the issue, for putting her through what she undoubtedly considered an ordeal – an honest conversation about her feelings. But now that everything was different, he couldn't be there for her unless he knew. He couldn't stand all the looks, touches and kisses if they didn't mean anything.<p>

"Everything's so overwhelming now," said Elena. "I don't know how to live like this…to feel like this. It's so scary."

Damon nodded. Oh, he knew exactly what she was talking about. If Elena's feelings were at least half as strong as his, they probably frightened the hell out of her. She wasn't ready for that, couldn't be. It was impossible to be prepared for that intensity. He remembered his first days as a vampire – he didn't even want to think of the pathetic mess he had been back then, with Katherine gone and his love for her intensified so much he couldn't see straight most of the time.

"Will it always be so intense?" asked Elena, and he smiled.

"Yes. But soon it won't be scary."

She smiled, too. "Can you wait until then? Please."

Damon wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean. Wait? But if Elena asked for that, it meant there was something to wait for. Or that Gilbert just decided to fuck with his head, like always.

"You know how much I care about you-" she went on, and he interrupted her. He hated that "care about you" line, because seriously, what did that even mean? She cared about everyone she had ever met; she was Elena, for heaven's sake.

"Wait for what, Elena?"

"For me to tell you exactly what you want to hear."

She didn't say "I love you." Didn't promise "It will always be you, Damon." But it was something like a beginning. Damon didn't even have the power to hate the flutter in his stomach, because it was already more than he had ever really allowed himself to hope for. Yes, hope was a bitch. It made him wish for things he couldn't have, believe in things that couldn't happen, but at the moment he didn't care. But now it wasn't just hope. It was confidence. This time everything was different.

Elena was staring at him in wonder, and he couldn't get what was wrong with his face until he realized he was smiling now, too.

"And what do we do now?"

Elena's smile grew wider. Damon loved it when she was like that – the smile lit up her whole face, making her look like there hadn't been vampires, witches, curses and doppelgangers in her life, like she hadn't suffered in one year more than anyone deserved in their entire life. Here she was, happy just to be with him. It made Damon feel powerful.

"Well…" Elena looked away for a moment, pretending to be deeply in thought. "How about a kiss first-"

She didn't have a chance to continue because Damon took her up on her offer and for a few minutes the conversation had to wait. He just couldn't and didn't need to exercise his restraint anymore. Kissing Elena was…different. Sure, he had kissed hundreds of women, but while some of those moments had been good, there had never been anything even remotely so _right_. There had never been this incredible connection, and it had nothing to do with his blood flowing in Elena's system – he'd felt it even the first time on her porch.

Damon hadn't given her a chance to really answer his question, and that was what made him stop. Elena pressing her body against his and letting out contented noises didn't help him at all. He pulled back a little to look at her and grasped her shoulders, holding her in place.

"Now that we're done with the first part, you were gonna tell me what comes next," reminded Damon, chuckling when she pouted. Elena licked her lips, looking a little nervous, and inhaled deeply.

"I suggest we try," she said, looking at Damon warily, as if fearing his reaction. "Try to carry on despite…everything. Try to figure out if we are good together, if it works."

"I know it will," he caressed Elena's skin with his thumbs, and she smiled, looking positively relieved. "I love you. I would do anything to make you happy, and if that's not enough…" Damon shook his head. He was afraid of finishing the sentence.

Elena moved closer, but instead of kissing him, she encircled his neck with her arms and pressed her face to his shoulder. Damon's hands slid down to her waist, holding her.

He was starting to get used to that.

"It's more than enough," she said softly. Damon sighed contentedly. For now, that was the most important thing.

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><p><strong>AN: And that's been "Can't Let You Fall Apart." Thanks for reading. Reviews would make my day, so…will you? ;)**


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